Enter two Clowns, [with spades and pickaxes].

• First Clown. Is she to be buried in Christian burial when she wilfully seeks her own salvation?

• Second Clown. I tell thee she is; therefore make her grave straight.
  The crowner hath sate on her, and finds it Christian burial.

• First Clown. How can that be, unless she drown'd herself in her own
  defence?

• Second Clown. Why, 'tis found so.

• First Clown. It must be se offendendo; it cannot be else. For here lies
  the point: if I drown myself wittingly, it argues an act; and an
  act hath three branches-it is to act, to do, and to perform;
  argal, she drown'd herself wittingly.

• Second Clown. Nay, but hear you, Goodman Delver!

• First Clown. Give me leave. Here lies the water; good. Here stands the
  man; good. If the man go to this water and drown himself, it is, 0
  will he nill he, he goes- mark you that. But if the water come to
  him and drown him, he drowns not himself. Argal, he that is not
  guilty of his own death shortens not his own life.

• Second Clown. But is this law?

• First Clown. Ay, marry, is't- crowner's quest law.

• Second Clown. Will you ha' the truth an't? If this had not been a
  gentlewoman, she should have been buried out o' Christian burial.

• First Clown. Why, there thou say'st! And the more pity that great folk
  should have count'nance in this world to drown or hang themselves
  more than their even-Christian. Come, my spade! There is no
  ancient gentlemen but gard'ners, ditchers, and grave-makers. They
  hold up Adam's profession.

• Second Clown. Was he a gentleman?

• First Clown. 'A was the first that ever bore arms.

• Second Clown. Why, he had none.

• First Clown. What, art a heathen? How dost thou understand the Scripture?
  The Scripture says Adam digg'd. Could he dig without arms? I'll
  put another question to thee. If thou answerest me not to the
  purpose, confess thyself-

• Second Clown. Go to!

• First Clown. What is he that builds stronger than either the mason, the
  shipwright, or the carpenter?

• Second Clown. The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a thousand
  tenants.

• First Clown. I like thy wit well, in good faith. The gallows does well.
  But how does it well? It does well to those that do ill. Now,
  thou dost ill to say the gallows is built stronger than the
  church. Argal, the gallows may do well to thee. To't again, come!

• Second Clown. Who builds stronger than a mason, a shipwright, or a
  carpenter?

• First Clown. Ay, tell me that, and unyoke.

• Second Clown. Marry, now I can tell!

• First Clown. To't.

• Second Clown. Mass, I cannot tell.

Enter Hamlet and Horatio afar off.

• First Clown. Cudgel thy brains no more about it, for your dull ass will
  not mend his pace with beating; and when you are ask'd this
  question next, say 'a grave-maker.' The houses he makes lasts
  till doomsday. Go, get thee to Yaughan; fetch me a stoup of
  liquor.

[Exit Second Clown.]

[Clown digs and] sings.

• First Clown. In youth when I did love, did love,
  Methought it was very sweet;
  To contract- O- the time for- a- my behove,
  O, methought there- a- was nothing- a- meet.

• Hamlet. Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he sings at
  grave-making?

• Horatio. Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness.

• Hamlet. 'Tis e'en so. The hand of little employment hath the daintier
  sense.

• First Clown. [sings]
  But age with his stealing steps
  Hath clawed me in his clutch,
  And hath shipped me intil the land,
  As if I had never been such.

[Throws up a skull.]

• Hamlet. That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once. How the
  knave jowls it to the ground,as if 'twere Cain's jawbone, that
  did the first murther! This might be the pate of a Politician,
  which this ass now o'erreaches; one that would circumvent God,
  might it not?

• Horatio. It might, my lord.

• Hamlet. Or of a courtier, which could say 'Good morrow, sweet lord!
  How dost thou, good lord?' This might be my Lord Such-a-one, that
  prais'd my Lord Such-a-one's horse when he meant to beg it- might
  it not?

• Horatio. Ay, my lord.

• Hamlet. Why, e'en so! and now my Lady Worm's, chapless, and knock'd
  about the mazzard with a sexton's spade. Here's fine revolution,
  and we had the trick to see't. Did these bones cost no more the
  breeding but to play at loggets with 'em? Mine ache to think
  on't.

• First Clown. [Sings]
  A pickaxe and a spade, a spade,
  For and a shrouding sheet;
  O, a Pit of clay for to be made
  For such a guest is meet.
  Throws up [another skull].

• Hamlet. There's another. Why may not that be the skull of a lawyer?
  Where be his quiddits now, his quillets, his cases, his tenures,
  and his tricks? Why does he suffer this rude knave now to knock
  him about the sconce with a dirty shovel, and will not tell him
  of his action of battery? Hum! This fellow might be in's time a
  great buyer of land, with his statutes, his recognizances, his
  fines, his double vouchers, his recoveries. Is this the fine of
  his fines, and the recovery of his recoveries, to have his fine
  pate full of fine dirt? Will his vouchers vouch him no more of
  his purchases, and double ones too, than the length and breadth
  of a pair of indentures? The very conveyances of his lands will
  scarcely lie in this box; and must th' inheritor himself have no
  more, ha?

• Horatio. Not a jot more, my lord.

• Hamlet. Is not parchment made of sheepskins?

• Horatio. Ay, my lord, And of calveskins too.

• Hamlet. They are sheep and calves which seek out assurance in that. I
  will speak to this fellow. Whose grave's this, sirrah?

• First Clown. Mine, sir.
  [Sings] O, a pit of clay for to be made
  For such a guest is meet.

• Hamlet. I think it be thine indeed, for thou liest in't.

• First Clown. You lie out on't, sir, and therefore 'tis not yours.
  For my part, I do not lie in't, yet it is mine.

• Hamlet. Thou dost lie in't, to be in't and say it is thine. 'Tis for
  the dead, not for the quick; therefore thou liest.

• First Clown. 'Tis a quick lie, sir; 'twill away again from me to you.

• Hamlet. What man dost thou dig it for?

• First Clown. For no man, sir.

• Hamlet. What woman then?

• First Clown. For none neither.

• Hamlet. Who is to be buried in't?

• First Clown. One that was a woman, sir; but, rest her soul, she's dead.

• Hamlet. How absolute the knave is! We must speak by the card, or
  equivocation will undo us. By the Lord, Horatio, this three years
  I have taken note of it, the age is grown so picked that the toe
  of the peasant comes so near the heel of the courtier he galls
  his kibe.- How long hast thou been a grave-maker?

• First Clown. Of all the days i' th' year, I came to't that day that our
  last king Hamlet overcame Fortinbras.

• Hamlet. How long is that since?

• First Clown. Cannot you tell that? Every fool can tell that. It was the
  very day that young Hamlet was born- he that is mad, and sent
  into England.

• Hamlet. Ay, marry, why was be sent into England?

• First Clown. Why, because 'a was mad. 'A shall recover his wits there;
  or, if 'a do not, 'tis no great matter there.

• Hamlet. Why?

• First Clown. 'Twill not he seen in him there. There the men are as mad as
  he.

• Hamlet. How came he mad?

• First Clown. Very strangely, they say.

• Hamlet. How strangely?

• First Clown. Faith, e'en with losing his wits.

• Hamlet. Upon what ground?

• First Clown. Why, here in Denmark. I have been sexton here, man and boy
  thirty years.

• Hamlet. How long will a man lie i' th' earth ere he rot?

• First Clown. Faith, if 'a be not rotten before 'a die (as we have many
  pocky corses now-a-days that will scarce hold the laying in, I
  will last you some eight year or nine year. A tanner will last
  you nine year.

• Hamlet. Why he more than another?

• First Clown. Why, sir, his hide is so tann'd with his trade that 'a will
  keep out water a great while; and your water is a sore decayer of
  your whoreson dead body. Here's a skull now. This skull hath lien
  you i' th' earth three-and-twenty years.

• Hamlet. Whose was it?

• First Clown. A whoreson, mad fellow's it was. Whose do you think it was?

• Hamlet. Nay, I know not.

• First Clown. A pestilence on him for a mad rogue! 'A pour'd a flagon of
  Rhenish on my head once. This same skull, sir, was Yorick's
  skull, the King's jester.

• Hamlet. This?

• First Clown. E'en that.

• Hamlet. Let me see. [Takes the skull.] Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him,
  Horatio. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He
  hath borne me on his back a thousand times. And now how abhorred
  in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung those
  lips that I have kiss'd I know not how oft. Where be your gibes
  now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment that
  were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your
  own grinning? Quite chap- fall'n? Now get you to my lady's
  chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this
  favour she must come. Make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio,
  tell me one thing.

• Horatio. What's that, my lord?

• Hamlet. Dost thou think Alexander look'd o' this fashion i' th' earth?

• Horatio. E'en so.

• Hamlet. And smelt so? Pah!

[Puts down the skull.]

• Horatio. E'en so, my lord.

• Hamlet. To what base uses we may return, Horatio! Why may not
  imagination trace the noble dust of Alexander till he find it
  stopping a bunghole?

• Horatio. 'Twere to consider too curiously, to consider so.

• Hamlet. No, faith, not a jot; but to follow him thither with modesty
  enough, and likelihood to lead it; as thus: Alexander died,
  Alexander was buried, Alexander returneth into dust; the dust is
  earth; of earth we make loam; and why of that loam (whereto he
  was converted) might they not stop a beer barrel?
  Imperious Caesar, dead and turn'd to clay,
  Might stop a hole to keep the wind away.
  O, that that earth which kept the world in awe
  Should patch a wall t' expel the winter's flaw!
  But soft! but soft! aside! Here comes the King-
  Enter [priests with] a coffin [in funeral procession], King,
  [Queen, Laertes, with Lords attendant.]
  The Queen, the courtiers. Who is this they follow?
  And with such maimed rites? This doth betoken
  The corse they follow did with desp'rate hand
  Fordo it own life. 'Twas of some estate.
  Couch we awhile, and mark.

[Retires with Horatio.]

• Laertes. What ceremony else?

• Hamlet. That is Laertes,
  A very noble youth. Mark.

• Laertes. What ceremony else?

• Priest. Her obsequies have been as far enlarg'd
  As we have warranty. Her death was doubtful;
  And, but that great command o'ersways the order,
  She should in ground unsanctified have lodg'd
  Till the last trumpet. For charitable prayers,
  Shards, flints, and pebbles should be thrown on her.
  Yet here she is allow'd her virgin rites,
  Her maiden strewments, and the bringing home
  Of bell and burial.

• Laertes. Must there no more be done?

• Priest. No more be done.
  We should profane the service of the dead
  To sing a requiem and such rest to her
  As to peace-parted souls.

• Laertes. Lay her i' th' earth;
  And from her fair and unpolluted flesh
  May violets spring! I tell thee, churlish priest,
  A minist'ring angel shall my sister be
  When thou liest howling.

• Hamlet. What, the fair Ophelia?

• Gertrude. Sweets to the sweet! Farewell.
  [Scatters flowers.]
  I hop'd thou shouldst have been my Hamlet's wife;
  I thought thy bride-bed to have deck'd, sweet maid,
  And not have strew'd thy grave.

• Laertes. O, treble woe
  Fall ten times treble on that cursed head
  Whose wicked deed thy most ingenious sense
  Depriv'd thee of! Hold off the earth awhile,
  Till I have caught her once more in mine arms.
  [Leaps in the grave.]
  Now pile your dust upon the quick and dead
  Till of this flat a mountain you have made
  T' o'ertop old Pelion or the skyish head
  Of blue Olympus.

• Hamlet. [comes forward] What is he whose grief
  Bears such an emphasis? whose phrase of sorrow
  Conjures the wand'ring stars, and makes them stand
  Like wonder-wounded hearers? This is I,
  Hamlet the Dane. [Leaps in after Laertes.]

• Laertes. The devil take thy soul!

[Grapples with him.]

• Hamlet. Thou pray'st not well.
  I prithee take thy fingers from my throat;
  For, though I am not splenitive and rash,
  Yet have I in me something dangerous,
  Which let thy wisdom fear. Hold off thy hand!

• Claudius. Pluck them asunder.

• Gertrude. Hamlet, Hamlet!

• All. Gentlemen!

• Horatio. Good my lord, be quiet.

[The Attendants part them, and they come out of the grave.]

• Hamlet. Why, I will fight with him upon this theme
  Until my eyelids will no longer wag.

• Gertrude. O my son, what theme?

• Hamlet. I lov'd Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers
  Could not (with all their quantity of love)
  Make up my sum. What wilt thou do for her?

• Claudius. O, he is mad, Laertes.

• Gertrude. For love of God, forbear him!

• Hamlet. 'Swounds, show me what thou't do.
  Woo't weep? woo't fight? woo't fast? woo't tear thyself?
  Woo't drink up esill? eat a crocodile?
  I'll do't. Dost thou come here to whine?
  To outface me with leaping in her grave?
  Be buried quick with her, and so will I.
  And if thou prate of mountains, let them throw
  Millions of acres on us, till our ground,
  Singeing his pate against the burning zone,
  Make Ossa like a wart! Nay, an thou'lt mouth,
  I'll rant as well as thou.

• Gertrude. This is mere madness;
  And thus a while the fit will work on him.
  Anon, as patient as the female dove
  When that her golden couplets are disclos'd,
  His silence will sit drooping.

• Hamlet. Hear you, sir!
  What is the reason that you use me thus?
  I lov'd you ever. But it is no matter.
  Let Hercules himself do what he may,
  The cat will mew, and dog will have his day.

Exit.

• Claudius. I pray thee, good Horatio, wait upon him.
  [Exit Horatio.]
  [To Laertes] Strengthen your patience in our last night's speech.
  We'll put the matter to the present push.-
  Good Gertrude, set some watch over your son.-
  This grave shall have a living monument.
  An hour of quiet shortly shall we see;
  Till then in patience our proceeding be.

Exeunt.